“She couldn’t go back and make the details pretty, she could only move forward and make the whole beautiful.” ~ Terri St. Cloud
That line is essentially how I feel about my life summed up in one sentence. Like most of us, I had a less than perfect upbringing – in fact, I grew up in what I would call a pretty dysfunctional family (sorry to my parents if you’re reading this – I know you didn’t do it on purpose!). Of course it wasn’t all bad, but in general the dynamics in my family were pretty much a big hot mess. Maybe I’ll delve into details another time, but for now rest assured that while at first glance I may seem to be an all-American girl who grew up in a field of country flowers without a care in the world, I most certainly did not.
And like many of us, when I grew up, married, and had a family of my own – I repeated many of the same patterns, bringing the same mess into my adult life and passing it along to the next generation. In short, I married a younger, more Southern and less-educated version of my dad. Which, as with my formative years, wasn’t all bad, but it most certainly left a lot to be desired. So much that three babies and roughly a decade later, I ended the marriage – not only because I wanted to spend the rest of my life happy and sane, but also because I wanted to break the cycle of mess that would have been passed down to my children had I stayed in that relationship.
If you’ve read or even just skimmed this tiny little budding blog, you may have gleaned that my divorce ended up in an even more chaotic mess than most do. In fact, it was a total disaster which resulted in over two years of legal fights, multiple thousands of dollars and Euros being spent, and costing me a good three years of mine and the kids’ lives as well as the delicate skin around my eyes (I swear the crows feet I now have were not here pre-court drama). Yes, cycle-breaking has its price, and it ain’t cheap.
Now that the dust had settled on the past few years of chaos and as I approach that much-feared age 40, I’m reflecting on my life as a whole. And since making this year’s single resolution of wanting more happy days than sad, I’ve found myself more introspective than ever before in up to now. In fact, it’s safe to say I’ve never been introspective, as I am much more of a doer than a thinker, but these days I am. Thinking about where to go, what I want, who I am, and how to make my life – and the life surrounding my children – the best possible for the next however many years.
So how am I doing this? Good question! I’m still on the journey of course. I’m no beauty-happiness-successful liver-of-life expert, and I am certainly not one of the many mindfulness gurus out there. But having gone through what I’ve gone through the last few years has taught my a little bit about resilience and how to pick yourself back up after a fall.
I love a good list, so here you go:
- Time Alone – you need time alone to rest and recharge on a regular basis. On a practical level, this means regular alone time – I spend a weekly evening out by myself (either at the sauna, shopping, or watching a movie). And with kids this takes planning and money (babysitter), but it is so worth it and a must to stay sane and happy. At a deeper level, ‘time alone’ for me personally right now also means a break from dating, so that I can regroup and focus on myself. Easy? Not really, because I love attention from men. Worth it and part of making my life beautiful? Absolutely!
- Looking at Reality – getting REAL about where you are is important, especially if you want to move forward. It can be painful, but being honest with yourself about where you are emotionally, financially, professionally, and in any other way helps you see what is working and what is not. If you want to make life beautiful, you have to accept where you are currently so that you can appreciate how far you’ve come, enjoy the now, as well as look towards the future.
- Cleaning House – Once you’ve taken off the rose-colored glasses and know where you are, it’s time to get to work. No one said making life grand was easy – and there can be blood, sweat and tears involved. In my life right now, I’m fixing my finances (AKA, paying off the last of the hefty court fees incurred during the 2+ years of custody court, increasing my monthly income and getting out of debt). I’m also getting fitter – running almost daily now so that I am physically and mentally strong after the last several months of lazy. So for me, cleaning house means shaping up the money side of my life and my body, for you cleaning house may mean something different. We know the areas we need to work on – and as challenging as it might be to get started, it’s worth the effort. My only word of caution is to take it easy – depending on the amount of “cleaning” required if your life, this might take time. Please do not beat yourself up if things aren’t fixed immediately. Beauty takes time!
- Dreaming – We all know that you can’t live without hope. And I connect hope and faith with dreaming. But somehow the older and more beat-up by life we become, it’s easy to forget that dreaming is an essential part of living a great life. Or at least should be. Right? Of course right. Lately I’ve been digging deep to tap back into the dreams I had back when I was younger – yes, tapping back into my 20-year-old self to see what dreams I wanted back then that have come to life (some have!), and which are still there and should be resurrected. Of course, some dreams aren’t meant to be and that’s fine – but it’s important to at least ask yourself, what is it that you want to be, or do, or create? If you haven’t asked these questions in some time, do it!
- Go easier on yourself (and others!) – I’m laid back on the outside – but those who know me well (my girlfriends, my children, my exes, my mom), know that I can be a control freak and more demanding than my calm exterior belies. The idea of self-love and self-compassion used to be foreign to me. I grew up in Protestant-land, where you worked hard, tried not to “sin,” served others, and essentially weren’t a good person unless you were a martyr. But love yourself? No – only self-centered heathens and maybe Catholics live that way. Really. But I recently read an article (or maybe saw a video, not sure of the source) saying that if Jesus urged us to “Love your neighbor as your yourself,” well – if you don’t love yourself, it’s pretty simple – you won’t be able to love others. The idea hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks, and I realised that if I don’t love and care for myself, there is NO WAY I can love the people in my life. Doesn’t matter if those people are my children, my neighbours, friends, or lovers – until I love me – they won’t benefit from knowing a woman who can love them well. (More on this in a book called The Gifts of Imperfection, for anyone interested – great read from a woman who has been there).
- Bring beauty into daily life - There are a flowers (I now by them weekly and they adorn our table – tulips are currently in bloom), almost daily time at my favorite café (thankfully I live in Europe, the land of cafés, and I work from home so I can enjoy this little luxury). Regular time with my kids (no matter how busy we get we do dinner together almost every single night), and we have special weekend routines that bring so much joy. Beauty is of course many things to many people, so whatever beautiful things – or rituals – make you happy, by all means bring them into your life. Even if they might seem a tiny bit silly. That’s ok! My silly beautiful thing right now is a gorgeous ivory tulle skirt. It’s pretty much a tutu for grown-ups, and my pre-teen daughter makes fun of me for it, but tulle is not just for tiny ballerinas and Sex and the City characters, so once it’s warmer I will wear it.
So that’s it from me for the moment … I would LOVE to hear from others – how do you make life beautiful? Please tell us in the comments section below. Don’t be shy!